Tears for Me
by Literary Eagle
Summary: Muraki observes a depressed Tsuzuki.


This is my first Yami no Matsuei fan fic, so any helpful comments or criticism would be very much appreciated.

Summary: Muraki observes a depressed Tsuzuki. (Contains some angst and male/male relationships. It's not a lemon, but if you still can't handle that, please read another fic instead.)

Legal disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei and its characters are property of Matsushita-sensei and whoever else owns them. This story, however, is mine. Please don't sue me, because I'm merely writing this for fun. Also, just like Tsuzuki, I have no money!

Oh, and if you want to post this story on your site, please ask me first.

Tears for Me  
By Literary Eagle

*****Muraki*****

Beautiful, simply beautiful. My Tsuzuki was truly a sight to behold, even when he was drunk. Yes, even then.

I had not planned on seeing him today, so for an instant I was surprised when fate teased me with this sudden offering. But I quickly regained my composure, telling myself that deep down I must have known he would be there. I always knew when Tsuzuki would be near me. After all, fate may play her games, but she is obligated to bring us together.

Still, I had not set out with the sole purpose of meeting with him. No, I had actually gone out for a walk to observe the sunset, relishing the moment when the sun would bow its fiery head and succumb to the night's embrace. That is my favorite time of the day.

First, the setting sun looks so lovely as it spurns the night's affections, defiantly filling the sky with such blushing pinks and angry reds. Then, inevitably, the sun must accept the fact that it belongs to the night now, and as it surrenders, the sky turns the most magnificent shade of purple. Shortly after that, the night wraps its beloved sun in a cloak of darkness and stars, but it is those sweet minutes of purple sky that I adore most of all.

Why? Because that moment of amethyst heaven is what I shall experience, when Tsuzuki's eyes will gaze at me with appreciation for the first time. Yes, someday he will realize that I am the only one who can take his pain away, and that he must give himself to me. Like the sun, my Tsuzuki is delightful when he resists, but he shall be even more exquisite when he submits. That is why I enjoy sundown.

Ah, but I digress. The point is, my main reason for going outside had been to see the sunset, and therefore it was an additional treat when I caught sight of my dear Tsuzuki sitting under a tree, crying.

There he was, trembling as he tried without success to hold his tears in, nearly choking as he downed a bottle of sake. A few empty bottles littered the grass around him, so he must have been drinking for quite some time already. Tsuzuki was in danger of making himself very ill if he kept that up.

In his emotional and inebriated state he had not noticed my presence, and I hadn't wanted to spoil the moment by drawing his attention to me right away. I had never seen him quite like this before, and I wanted to admire the spectacle a little longer.

My poor Tsuzuki. He looked so miserable, and I deduced that it had something to do with his job. It was most likely that he had been forced to see yet another death. Perhaps once again he had been unable to protect someone. I knew how much that would hurt him.

The other Shinigami cannot understand Tsuzuki on the level that I do, and they never will. Of course they know the pain of failure, but they don't know what it's like for the most powerful Shinigami, to discover that you're the strongest of all but still can't save everyone. Likewise, most people don't know how it is to be one of the most skilled doctors in the country, and still not be good enough.

Yes, I was once like Tsuzuki. I used to despair over the shortcomings of medical science, but eventually I came to despise the frailty of human beings instead. Humans are weak and pathetic creatures, and their lives should be sacrificed in order to strengthen higher beings such as Tsuzuki and myself. Someday Tsuzuki will learn this too, and then he will see that we belong together, that he should never flee from my embrace again.

At any rate, the sun finally gave in to night's desires, as it always does, and the sky became the rich purple hue that I so revered. Not being able to hold back any longer, I moved to Tsuzuki's side and knelt in the grass, suppressing a chuckle when he still didn't seem to notice that I was there. With the sun gone, all I could see of Tsuzuki now was a dim silhouette framed by violet sky, but that was all I needed. It was enough visibility for me to gently pry the sake bottle out of his hands, and with that offending object gone, I took him into my arms and began to stroke his hair.

Tsuzuki cried out in astonishment, and I prepared to tighten my grip if he tried to pull away like he usually did. Therefore, it came as a complete surprise when he actually moved closer to me, hesitantly feeling the side of my face until his hand bumped against my glasses.

"Is it really you?" he whispered.

"Yes, Tsuzuki-san, it's really me." I smiled and licked my lips, knowing he would not be able to see that in the darkness. My beautiful Shinigami wasn't trying to escape, leading me to wonder if the alcohol had lowered his inhibitions. I am not so crude as to bed someone when he is drunk, but that didn't mean I couldn't have just a little bit of fun...

That thought didn't prevent me from being surprised yet again when Tsuzuki suddenly threw his arms around me and began to cry anew, burying his face into my neck so that I felt his tears on my skin.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he babbled, hiccupping and swaying slightly as the effects of drinking so much sake began to take their toll, "I ... I didn't even try to understand you before. I th-thought you were being cruel, and that you were making me feel stupid on purpose, so I kept yelling at you and I ran from you ... and ... and ... I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"

Some of Tsuzuki's tears began to slide under the collar of my shirt, and I shivered at the pleasurable sensation. "All is forgiven, Tsuzuki-san," I said, caressing his hair again, "I could never hate you. You know that, don't you?"

Tsuzuki murmured an affirmative, and once more I had to marvel at this unexpected turn of events. Certainly I had been longing for the day when this would happen, but I didn't imagine that it would occur so soon. I was sure he had been crying because of his duties as a Shinigami, but could it be that his tears had also been for me?

Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out a handkerchief, then tenderly took Tsuzuki by the chin and tilted his head up so that I could dry his face. The Shinigami sat there quietly without moving, making it easier for me to complete my task in the darkness. Once I had finished, I clutched the newly dampened handkerchief as if it was a treasure that I wanted to guard forever.

Tears for me...

"I won't run from you again," Tsuzuki said softly, leaning against me, "I understand now that you're just trying to help me, to protect me in your own way. I-it's just that this was getting to me so much because ... I've fallen in love with you."

Tears for me!

A small part of me was disappointed that this was happening so soon, that the thrill of the chase was over. But more powerful than that were my deepest desires, which had hungered for this moment during every single second of every single day. Still, I wished that I could have seen my Shinigami's eyes as he said those words to me... Night and fate were cruel for depriving me of my amethyst heaven.

Fumbling slightly in the dark, Tsuzuki tentatively brushed his lips across mine, and as he shyly moved away I grabbed him. He froze, and I waited for him to relax before I continued what he had started, deepening the kiss until he began to whimper and press himself even closer to me. He felt so warm, and as might be expected, he tasted like sake.

With his shyness melting away, Tsuzuki suggestively rubbed against me and then lay down on the grass, wordlessly pleading for me to go beyond kissing. I almost forgot to breathe as I saw how wonderfully submissive his posture looked, but eventually I shook my head and pulled him up, back into a sitting position.

"Why not?" he asked, sounding hurt.

"You've had too much to drink, Tsuzuki-san," I said, "I want to be with you, but I will not take advantage of you like this. Do you understand?"

He nodded, and I kissed him again. It was undeniable that I wanted him, and wanted him very badly at that. But I would not take him while he was drunk. He had professed his love for me, and that was all I needed. The rest could wait. After all, I wanted the experience to be as memorable for him as it would be for me. And I intended to make it VERY memorable indeed.

So even though I ached to do more, I contented myself with taking in the softness of his mouth, the smell of his hair, and the tremulous music of his moans as my fingertips massaged the nape of his neck. I was elated. Tsuzuki was mine, mine at last. Even though this was sooner than expected, the fact remained that I had been waiting a long time. Such a long time...

I wasn't even aware that I was crying, until something salty entered the corner of my mouth. Tsuzuki had noticed it as well, and with a gasp he broke off our kiss and touched his lips to the wet trail below my left eye.

"Are these tears my fault?" he asked, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... I love you, and I don't want to make you cry."

"I know," I said, closing my eyes as Tsuzuki began to nuzzle my neck. He yawned, and his breath tickled my throat.

"I love you," he repeated, stifling another yawn, "I love you, Tatsumi."

I tensed. "Wh-what did you just say?" I whispered.

"I said that I love you," said Tsuzuki, his voice slowing with alcohol-induced drowsiness, "Did I do something wrong, Tatsumi?"

"It's nothing," I said, surprised at how emotionless I sounded, "Try to get some sleep, Tsuzuki-san. You've had a rough day. I'll wake you later."

"Okay, Tatsumi..." Tsuzuki said, slumping against my chest. He fell asleep almost immediately after.

I just sat there. I suppose I should have been angry or frustrated, but I felt nothing. Just emptiness.

My Tsuzuki's declaration of love had not been for me. In the darkness and in his drunkenness, he had mistaken me for one of his fellow Shinigami. It was almost funny. In fact, I eventually decided that it was very funny. I began to laugh, softly at first, then so loudly that it was a miracle Tsuzuki didn't awaken.

After recovering from this fit of laughter, I fingered my handkerchief, which was still the slightest bit damp from Tsuzuki's tears. Shrugging, I folded the little piece of cloth and tucked it into his pocket. His tears had not been for me this time, so I was giving them back to him.

"It's not over yet, Tsuzuki-san," I whispered to the slumbering Shinigami, licking his earlobe as I did so, "Go to your Tatsumi if you must. Sooner or later, you'll find out that he can never fully appreciate your true self, can never give you everything you need. And when that happens, I'll be waiting. I will always be waiting for you."

Yes, I could wait for as long as it took. Today was just another setback, nothing more. Every morning, the sun escapes from the clutches of night, but at every sunset, the night comes back to reclaim it. To the night, that beautiful sun is worth recapturing everyday, and to me, Tsuzuki is always worth pursuing, no matter how many times he slips from my grasp.

But unlike the endless cycle of day and night, there will come a time when Tsuzuki will never leave my side again. His love and his tears will belong to me, and no one else. Our bond is stronger than any force of nature. It was meant to be. Eventually, my Tsuzuki will understand this.

"Yo, Tsuzuki! Where ya hidin'?" a heavily-accented voice shouted from somewhere in the distance, interrupting my thoughts.

"Tsuzuki! Please answer!" called another voice. This one I recognized all too well. It was that little empath brat.

And that was my cue to leave. As much as I enjoyed tormenting Tsuzuki's pathetic friends, I had to admit that I was not in the mood for it this time ... mainly because of the possibility that Tatsumi might be with them. I certainly didn't feel like talking to HIM at the moment.

Carefully setting Tsuzuki down on the grass, I gave him one last kiss, then silently and quickly departed before his friends arrived. I headed back to my home, looking forward to the day when Tsuzuki would knowingly and willingly give me his heart, and he would be forever and irrevocably mine.

*****Tsuzuki*****

The first thing I became aware of was pain, and lots of it. I couldn't see anything, and it took a while for my brain to figure out that it probably had something to do with my eyes still being closed. I tried to open them, but my eyelids wouldn't budge. Great, just great.

"Will he be alright?" said a deep voice. It must have been Tatsumi.

"He just had too much to drink again," I heard Hisoka growl, but I thought I detected a hint of anxiety in his tone. But then, maybe that was just the pounding in my head.

"Yeah, dat's Tsuzuki for ya," Watari's distinctly accented voice piped up, "He'll be hurtin' when he wakes up, but dontcha worry, kiddo. He'll be fine and piggin' out on sweets soon enough, you betcha."

"I ... I'm not worried!" Hisoka stammered, although this time I was sure that the shakiness of his voice suggested otherwise. I thought it was really charming, but of course I also felt guilty for causing such distress. If only my damn eyelids would have moved!

"Anyway, I gotta go," Watari said cheerfully, "I left somethin' boilin' in da lab, so I should check on it before..."

There was a loud explosion.

"...it blows up," Watari finished sheepishly.

I heard the pounding of rapid footsteps as he and the others ran out of the room, and Tatsumi's fading voice declaring, "Watari-san, any necessary repairs will be coming out of your salary!"

So, Watari's lab was nearby. That meant I was back at EnMaCho. Several minutes later, I was finally able to get my eyes open to confirm this. I was lying on a couch in the employees' lounge, all alone because the others had left to deal with Watari's latest lab catastrophe. Thinking that I should help, I sat up, but quickly fell back onto the couch when I was hit with a wave of dizziness and nausea.

"I am never drinking so much sake ever again..." I groaned to myself. But then, I made a similar vow nearly every time I got drunk.

Seeing that I probably wouldn't be able to stand anytime soon, I shifted position on the couch to make myself as comfortable as possible, then attempted to recall what had happened. It wasn't easy, especially when my head was throbbing. I remembered having a huge fight with Tatsumi ... then running away ... then nearly drinking myself into oblivion ... and then ... um ... bah, stupid fuzzy memories! What had happened next? I got drunk, and then ... and then...

Oh yeah, then Tatsumi found me! That was it! And after that...

Uh-oh.

I told him that I loved him. Boy, alcohol sure loosened my tongue, didn't it? Yes, it was true: I had feelings for Tatsumi. But ... I had never intended for him to find out that way, with me crying my eyes out and nearly drunk enough to puke my guts out. That was a surefire way to embarrass him. How awful.

But he hadn't pushed me away.

In fact, we had even kissed.

Blushing at the vague recollection, I tried to remember what happened next. Several minutes later, I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming, having just realized that I had pretty much begged Tatsumi to take me right there on the grass. Aw, crap! If the "I love you" thing hadn't embarrassed him, then THAT definitely must have!

The trickle of humiliating memories was interrupted when Tatsumi suddenly came back into the room, dusting off his clothes and muttering something about making Watari pay for the dry-cleaning. There was no sign of Watari or Hisoka, and I assumed that they were still dealing with whatever mess the explosion had created. This was good, because it meant Tatsumi and I could have a moment of privacy.

"Hi Tatsumi..." I said cautiously, knowing that I should apologize for ... well, for a lot of things.

"Tsuzuki-san!" he exclaimed, rushing to my side, "Are you alright? Does it hurt anywhere?"

"Yeah, it hurts everywhere," I joked, but the horrified expression on his face made me realize that he had taken my words seriously. "No, no, I was kidding!" I added quickly, "It's mostly just a headache, that's all! I'm not ... I didn't ... Oh Tatsumi, I'm so sorry! I've really made a mess of things, haven't I?"

"It's okay, Tsuzuki-san," he said, ruffling my hair, "It was my fault for using such harsh words this afternoon. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"No, it's not your fault," I protested, "I didn't run away just because we argued. I took off because I realized that you were right, and I was so ashamed of myself! Like you said, I shouldn't have tried to take on those demons without any help. I nearly put everyone into serious danger! I..."

Tatsumi pressed a finger to my lips. "I was wrong too," he said firmly, "I accused you of overconfidence, but now I see that you were trying to keep Kurosaki-kun and the rest of us out of the fight so we wouldn't be hurt. But please, let's all work together next time. None of us wants to see you get hurt either, you know."

I nodded. "Okay," I said quietly, "I really am sorry, Tatsumi. I didn't mean to cause trouble, or make you worry..."

"It's alright," Tatsumi insisted, looking a little flustered, "Oh no... Tsuzuki-san, please don't cry..."

Too late.

I tried to hide my face from him, because I didn't want to make Tatsumi any more uncomfortable than I already had, but he took me by the chin and began to wipe my tears away with his handkerchief.

That triggered the return of another memory... Tatsumi had done the same thing earlier, when he had found me. He had comforted me, and dried my tears...

Wait a minute.

"What happened to the other one?" I asked.

Tatsumi gave me a confused look. "Tsuzuki-san, what are you talking about?"

"You know..." I said, certain that I was blushing, "When you found me, I apologized and started crying, and then you wiped my face with your handkerchief ... but not the one you're using now. It was a really soft one, like silk or something."

Tatsumi looked even more baffled. "Tsuzuki-san, that never happened," he said, "You were unconscious when we found you. And I don't own another handkerchief."

"But ... but that can't be!" I said, shaking my head.

"As I said, you were unconscious when we found you," Tatsumi said gently, "Perhaps you were dreaming."

I was incredulous. "Come on, Tatsumi, this isn't funny! It really happened, I'm sure it did! You held me, and I told you that I lo-"

The sound of a small explosion erupted from somewhere else in the building.

"Watari's lab again?" I asked.

"Probably," Tatsumi sighed, "I should go check. Please get some rest, Tsuzuki-san. We shall continue our discussion later."

Tatsumi left the room, and I was alone again.

"Just a dream?" I mumbled to myself, "But it felt so real! Ah, screw this, I need sugar!"

I reached into my pocket, hoping to find some candy. Instead, something silky brushed against my fingers. Gasping, I pulled out a folded handkerchief.

"This is it!" I said to the empty room, feeling the white cloth's familiar texture. There was no doubt in my mind that this was the handkerchief Tatsumi had used before. But if that was the case, then why had he lied?

Was it because he didn't love me?

No, that couldn't be it, because he had kissed me back. So ... why?

After thinking about it for several minutes, I decided the most likely answer was that he was giving me a chance to start over. He must have been pretending that he hadn't heard my confession of love, so that I could say it again under ... um, less awkward circumstances. Yes, he was probably trying to save me from embarrassment.

I sighed. Tatsumi was so kind to me, even though I didn't deserve it. But I was grateful, I really was. Smiling, I brought the handkerchief up to my face, so I could feel it against my cheek again. It was delightfully soft, and smelled faintly of roses.

The pleasing aroma somehow unlocked more memories ... certain sensations and emotions. I recalled how Tatsumi's arms around me had been so strong, yet his touch so gentle, making me feel safe and loved.

I thought about how I had tried to convince him to do more than just kiss, and how he had refused to do that to me while I was drunk. It warmed my heart, knowing that he cared so much. Tatsumi's concern gave me such a wonderful feeling, completely different from the way I had felt in all my encounters with the undeniably lustful Muraki.

Lastly, I remembered that Tatsumi had started to cry during our second kiss. I felt a little guilty about that, but at the same time, a small selfish part of me felt good about someone wanting to cry tears for me.

Frowning, I pushed that horrible egotistical thought out of my head, then decided that I should really try to get some more rest. The sooner I recovered, the sooner I could make up for all the trouble I had caused. I kissed the white cloth in my hands, then put it back into my pocket for safekeeping. As I drifted off to sleep, I vowed to myself that I would love and cherish the owner of the handkerchief forever...

The next morning, I woke up to find myself in my apartment, snugly wrapped in my sheets with some of the plush toys that had belonged to Kazusa. It occurred to me that someone must have carried me home, and I felt my face grow warm when I thought that it might have been Tatsumi. However, the toys being tucked in with me were a hint that it had probably been Watari. Oh well, I was still thankful for the help.

I reached into my pocket to check for the precious handkerchief, and I was relieved to find that it was still there. I saw that it had become somewhat wrinkled, though, so I unfolded it and began to smooth it out with my fingers.

That was when I finally noticed that there was something embroidered into one corner of the silky cloth. It was a name: Muraki Kazutaka.

But that meant... Oh no. No!

I cried out and flung the handkerchief away, just as something vile began to rise in my throat. I knew I wouldn't make it to the bathroom in time, so I simply leaned over and vomited onto the floor. And when I had emptied out the contents of my stomach, I curled into a ball and continued to retch, feeling that there was no way I would be able to purge myself enough.

How could I have let this happen? How could I have ... given in to temptation?

How?!

There was a knocking at my door. "Tsuzuki?" I heard Hisoka's voice call out, "It's almost time for work. Are you up yet?"

Trembling, I bit my lip and didn't make a sound, hoping that he would just give up and leave. I knew that it was unlikely, given his empathy, but I just couldn't face my partner ... not after I had been so blissfully happy in the arms of the man who had murdered him. I didn't think I could face anyone ever again.

I deserved nothing but contempt, because I had enjoyed everything Muraki had done to me that night. Every caress, every tender word ... I had liked it, even asked for more. I was disgusted with myself, but more than that, I was afraid.

Yes, I was terrified, because what I had felt with Muraki had been more than physical pleasure ... I thought I had sensed love and understanding in his touch, and I had wanted to give him the same. I had even asked him to sleep with me, but then he told me outright that he wouldn't take advantage of my drunkenness! Muraki, of all people! Nothing made sense anymore. The only certainty in my mind was that I was a loathsome, despicable person.

"Tsuzuki, why aren't you answering me?" Hisoka demanded, his voice rising slightly with panic as he rattled my doorknob, "Are you sick? Did you hurt yourself? Come on, unlock the door!"

But I couldn't. I just couldn't.

"A-Alright, stay calm," said Hisoka, although it sounded like he was saying it more to himself than to me, "I'll go get Tatsumi. Just hang on, okay? I'll be right back!"

When I was sure that my partner was gone, I threw my sheets aside and ran for the window, knowing that I had to get out of the apartment before he came back with Tatsumi. Using my Shinigami powers, I flew from the building as quickly as I could. I didn't know where I was fleeing to, and I didn't care. All I knew was that I had to get away. With his empathy, Hisoka must have sensed my fear and thought that I was in peril, but he didn't know that in truth I was the dangerous one ... a danger to him, to my dear Tatsumi, and to everyone else I cared about.

Because for a short time, I had given my heart to Muraki, and I had the horrifying thought that someday I might knowingly and willingly do it again ... and be forever and irrevocably lost.

---

Author's notes: Yikes! I'll try to write a cheerful comedy next time. ^^;;; By the way, sorry about Watari's dialogue... I consider his Kansai-ben to be part of his charm, but I wasn't sure how to do an English version of it. After experimenting with a few different ideas, I ended up taking an approach similar to Viz Comics' publication of the Neon Genesis Evangelion manga. I'm not sure if I pulled it off very well, though.

Oh yeah, and I know that some of Tsuzuki's behavior in this story might have seemed a little strange, but please keep in mind that he was inebriated. After all, let's not forget the CD drama when he got drunk at Hakushaku's party and started taking his clothes off! Bad doggie!

So there you have it, my first Yami no Matsuei fic. If you have any constructive feedback to help me improve my writing, I would really appreciate it. Please send me C&C, suggestions, or questions concerning this story (or any of my other works).

Additional note: This story is dedicated to Firebird, because she's the one who got me addicted to Yami no Matsuei in the first place. This is all your fault, Birdie! Heh. Seriously though, thanks for introducing me to these fascinating characters, and for prereading this fic. You rock!

Text copyright 2002, Literary Eagle  
(But the characters belong to other people.)


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